There it starts. Notice is set in to the apartments. I'm out at the end of May / beginning of June. I'm relocating somewhere different. To a place where they just laid off 1200 people at the place I applied for a new job. Exciting. Hotel rooms and odd jobs ensue, I predict. But, I'll be with my wife again, and I'm excited as all hell for that. I've practically went crazy these last couple of months. I do things I never thought I would, and say stuff I don't mean, and try things that I shouldn't. Self-destructive patterns of behavior that I need to just get rid of forever. Smoking, excessive drinking, occasional violence, some other recreational explorations into alternative perspectives. I'm keeping my blood clean from now on. I'll drink a couple beers a day, have a good cigar once per year (my birthday), and other than that, screw the rest of it. It just hurts people. That's all it's good for. Which isn't anything good. I'm too old to keep doing stupid stuff.
I'm very against anyone being anything definite by their own proclamations and suspicions. "I'm a loving person." "I'm a rebellious person." "I'm a this or that." Self identification based on self-analysis is about as selfish and subjective as you can get. I've always believed that you are what other people make of you, not what you say you are. you can think you're jesus, but if no one likes your piety, then you're just a pain in the ass, regardless of how you see yourself. The Spirit is an interesting topic for me. I don't think of it so much as an inspiration in oneself via some unexplained source, but, rather, the inspiration you give to others via your actions. Immortality is not living forever in your physical body you possess currently, but is living on in the hearts and minds of others. This kind of thing. I am also a fan of both sides of the fence, and I practice what I preach. So:
I'm a rock 'n' roller. I am a party guy. I love interacting with people. I love making people laugh. I love making them dance. I love being the 'cool guy'. I am the cool guy by nature. I'm also the weird geeky guy at the same time. I have that nerdy intrigue about me. I make friends easily. I earn respect quickly. I love people very easily. I enjoy having fun more than anything. In my heart and my day to day, it's like I'm constantly stoned, and the world is a great place. I like honesty. I like acting like a fool. Anything that pushes limits or perceptions that is done by choice (not being forced into). I'm a very "Yes, that's exactly what I think, too." kinda guy, and genuinely mean it. I enjoy philosophy, even though I think it's all bullshit and pointless. I enjoy the little things and trinkets of knowledge that don't matter. I desperately want to have a broader perspective and knowledge, so I can create really interesting art. My mind always smiles. I didn't used to think in words, but in pictures, audio, and sequences. I think I think in words now, sometimes. I like the 60s mentality, and the sense of unity and justifiability in the division of how things were (yes, I know that's contradictive. My point is, if you were on one side or the other, you were with people who supported you and what you believed in through and through. That is inspirational). I believe in the Beatles Let It Be and Abbey Road. I believe in Led Zepplin. I believe in Cream, Rush, Dave Matthews Band. I don't believe in Pink Floyd, but I find their music absolutely GENIUS. Same thing for the Rolling Stones. Give me a rock'n'roll group, and I'm down. Bruce Springsteen, Jimmy Buffet (I know, not real rock, but shut up. He's pretty bad-assed), The Cars, The Cure, New Order (again, Bad-assed), Bad Religion, both songs the Ramones composed and rehashed over and over again, ZZTop, Billy Joel, Tori Amos, David Byrne, Rage Against The Machine, good god, so many influences in my life. Allow me to explain.
I used to - and still do - think in pictures and sounds, sorta. So music is a very powerful form of communication for me. I used to do that constantly: try to find a way to express an idea via a picture, drawing, or music. I wrote some weird shit. I mean, some weird shit. I got all my fulfillment out of things through music, though. I'd listen to a happy song, and things would quite literally smell different. Clean, fresh, whole, satisfying. I'd listen to an aggressive song in that mood, and the air would tense up, as would I. If I were tense, and listened to some heavy metal, for some reason my mind identified it as being sympatico, and I'd mellow out so well. I could keep track and a consistent mood by what I listened to. Voices would do that. I pick up very keenly on tenseness in voices, or inflections. I often find myself listening to the quality and inflections of the voice more than the actual words. I can't tell you anything of what that person just said, but I can tell you what they meant. If something's bothering them, I can tell, and I ask. Sometimes they don't even know what's bothering them, and when I ask, it becomes another level of confusion or frustration layered on top of what they had in their heads just before, and I feel really bad for compounding it, when I'm trying to help. But, time moves on, it's a fact, and this time is meant to be enjoyed. Music is better than a drug for me. It is my entire justification for existence.
how do I make it better? I want to be a performer. I want to be an entertainer. I want to make people dance, to make them sing, to give them escape, as other artists gave me the same. I loved them for that, and I want to be like that, too. lol At 26, I've finally found out what I want to do when I grow up.
how do I give people escape? Do I talk about my life? Do I talk about someone else's? It seems almost all music on the radio today has a 'I feel like' 'i am like' 'i wish it' 'i want this' feel to it. Brings to mind "I, Me, Mine", and I'm not sure if that's the way to go. I think it's good, but I don't know if it's the best. Concept albums lose me sometime, and lose others, too. I can sing about good things. That's part of what I loved about the Beatles, was their sense of storytelling with the music and lyrics combined. "She's Leaving Home" is one of the most beautiful songs ever written. Across The Universe. One is about someone else in another situation. The other is about the person writing the poem, but in an objective sense. The Police did that, too. Regatta Del Blanc Vs Syncronicity, two of the best albums of all time, almost direct contradictions of eachother. "Poor me" Vs "That's what you think.", respectively. How do I give people something to cling to?
1. It has to be Universal. If they don't understand it, they won't feel connected to it, and it won't lift them out of their situation, or enhance it.
2. It has to give them something they lack. Lonely people listen to love songs, or 'nobody loves me' music. Political people listen to very driven political type stuff. It's something they crave in that moment, a need that is filled. Sad people listen to sad music if they want empathy, or happy music if they want distraction. So an album needs diversity, and it has to hit different emotional ranges. Hope, happiness, love, hate, sadness, anger, complacence, maybe an introspective track, maybe a track that's completely abstract (like a Tori Amos Little Earthquakes) for those who like mystery, and crave something superfluous to routine, or anything outside of the ordinary. Sometimes people just like music, without words. One of those, too. There's an album.
3. It has to be memorable. I can beat on a tin can all day, screaming "Harsh minds create harsh lives." over and over and over again. It's a shiny can, perfect for symbolizing reflection, it's a cylinder, for the 'full circle' idea, it's a stick, which indicates aggression / phallic superiority, it's a person screaming, which shows violence, and it's just two things going, which is very raw and basic, without refinement, which is the embodiment of being harsh. It's a harsh song about being harsh. Brilliant, right? But who's going to sing along to that? Who's going to feel any connection? That's where George Harrisson and John Lennon lost it when they departed from the Beatles. They were more interested in sharing THEIR minds, as opposed to entertaining the masses (which is what they started out doing), and so consequently become more boring to listen to. "Try Some, Buy Some" is a great track, but the whole album is almost a chore to listen to, it's so preachy.
New music is becoming rare. It's time to make something good. The Cars took and built upon a generation. Same thing for Soundgarden. Same thing for Alice In Chains, same thing for David Bowie. He's built upon 2 generations.
I used to be excited for things. Now everything's a chore, or an effort. So I'm leaving. Again. I don't know if I'll ever have a home. And I don't really care. I love the chase, the pursuit. I love the ability to try and find it. I love how things always manage to work themselves out. I have given myself and others the most dire of situations, and they have turned out ok. A couple of knicks or bruises, but all in all, knowledge of a limit that you didn't have before, and the removal of the ones before it. Life can be a great thing.
Even when I was living in my car, or hopping from room to room with different people, or travelling the south-east with movers and being paid under the table for it - I always went to sleep at night, and I always woke up the next morning. I loved what I did, because nothing really mattered. It was easy to be enthusiastic, because things were always different. Not anymore. Now it's just expectations piled on expectations, always compounded by lack of time or communication or both. Grr. It's important to maintain perspective, and I'm starting...no, I've lost it.
I want to tell people things. Justifiably, they don't want to listen often. They get bored with what I tell them. I think I'm slightly retarded. I think something's a great revelation, and most everybody is, "Yeah, dude, no shit." Which means it's not very revelation-ey at all. So, I'm just stupid, I guess. It's ok. I just feel stupid. But I don't think I'm really being stupid, I think I'm just slower than most everybody. I pick up on things very quickly, and other things are very hard to make my mind comprehend.
So, whee, let's rock this shit. You only live once, that we know of for a fact, and I've lived my life so far to best accomodate those I respect, on fear that if I don't, then they'll no longer respect me, and take away our interactions. One of those fears has been realized with someone I love very dearly, and it's BECAUSE I did what I thought was the best thing for everyone involved, so that method is a failure.
Note to self: Trying To Please Everyone
- FAILURE. IMPOSSIBLE.
Let's make this life something fun. Adventure doesn't come to anyone. You seek and find adventure on your own. I'm going to find it. Wanna come?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment
Please comment. Perspective is always appreciated.